A woman knows

To all the woman who decided to stay even tho I didn’t……

What I wrote July 2008

http://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com/2008/07/30/why-we-stay/

 

One year ago today…

I left wounded and hurt….totally messed up as a human being. Today, I am healed and trying to get my life back on track.

It has been a long road over the last year. I found it very difficult to pick myself up off the floor while still bleeding, get my things together and walk away. I knew it was something that needed to be done for myself, my sanity and my health. Every part of my well being had been effected in such a major way. Those who have been effected by infidelity know their limits and even though it may be difficult to do what seems to be the impossible, we find our inner strength to do what is best for ourselves in the end.

Things have not been easy for me over the last year. I have had to adjust to so many things.

First off, after spending nine years overseas I returned back home only to find how people had changed. I had to find out the hard way while putting my trust into people who didn’t even earn it. Those around me knew that I was not normal as my personality had been crippled from all I had been through the previous two years. Breakdowns followed me back as well. I had a couple while here in the states in front of those I thought I knew and could trust. But they looked at me as though I needed help and would turn and walk away.

Secondly, adjusting back to the way of life in this country, did not come easy. I had to learn how to live in this society all over again. What was once a way of life for me became so foreign, I felt like I was in a totally different country so unfamiliar to me. And if that weren’t hard enough, I had to watch my daughter in total confusion stripped from the only world she had ever know and enter into another. I guess the worse was when she told me she was Greek and that she was only here because I wanted to be. Talk about a knife going into my chest one again and ripping out the little of my heart that was left.

—I wrote the above December 2009, one year after I arrived back in the states in December of 2008 —

Shot thru the heart, but I’m still alive!

Shot thru the heart, but I'm still alive!

This is the tattoo I had put on in January of 2009, a month after arriving back to the states. It is right over my heart, or what’s left of it anyway.  When people ask to see it and question me about it, I just say, “I was shot thru the heart and I never saw it coming.”  As the years have gone by, I have added, “but it only happens once.”

I have been watching this blog over the last five years, reading comments and approving them.  Seeing how commenters have given advice to those seeking it and those who were seeking comfort found they were not alone. I have wanted to write many times but I was so busy trying to get my life back on track. The last post I wrote was “I made it to the states”, but my story does not end there. There is so much more to it and as time goes by, I will write about all that has happened and where I am today.

Death of me

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I should have seen those signs all around me,
But I was comfortable inside these wounds;
So go ahead and take another piece of me now
While we all bow down to you;

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and still it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be
The death of me!

How can you end my affliction
If you’re the sickness and I’m the cure?
Too long I’ve faked this addiction,
Another sacrifice to make us pure;

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and still it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be
The death of me!

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and still it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be
The death of me!

I won’t forget;
I cannot forget this;
I won’t forget;
I’ll never forget this;
I won’t forget;
I cannot forget this;
I won’t forget;
I’ll never forget this;

I won’t forget!
I cannot forget this!
I won’t forget!
I’ll never forget!

You know I can never prove this solution;
You aren’t the one that I thought you were;
And so I learn to embrace this illusion,
The line that separates- it starts to blur;

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and say it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be
The death of me!

And you’ll be the death of me!

I will not forget!
I cannot forget this!
And you’ll be the death of me!

Do what you do

Lips bleed from the rings,
All these little bruises, the little things,
That provoke the segregation.
Lead the separation.
Cage and clip the wings.
Little noises, the little screams,
That stop the operation.
Conscious amputation.
 
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you did to me.
Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere,
With nothing,
With no one.
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you've done to me.
Draw the chalk line around the scene, it's over,
Now it's all over.
 
Like a heart that's lost its beat.
A little boy, that softly weeps,
Overwhelmed with emotion,
Views burns through explosion.
Lost the forest through the trees
Little whispers, the little dreams,
That sparked the recollection.
Constant suffocation.
 
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you did to me.
Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere,
With nothing,
With no one.
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you've done to me.
Draw the chalk line around the scene, it's over,
Now it's all over.
 
I can feel my life is changing,
Changing.
I can feel my heart is jaded,
Jaded.
 
Left the sticks,
Left the stones,
Words don't hurt,
Mend the bones.
I can feel my life is changing.
 
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you did to me.
Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere,
With nothing,
With no one.
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you've done to me.
Draw the chalk line around the scene, it's over,
Now it's all over.
 
Erase the past and leave the pain,
Cleanse the wounds and forget the name.
Lost the will, ran far away,
So it's all over.
 
Spread the ash and fill the grave,
Lost the tongue and made my way.
Do what you do and go away,
Now it's all over.

I made it to the states

Thanks to all who have been concerned regarding my absence on this blog. So much has been going on and I’ve been quite busy trying to sort everything out.

Me and my daughter have managed to make it to the states where we’ve been over the last two months. At this time I don’t know how much longer we will be here as I have been informed that kidnapping charges will be filed by the end of the month.

World so cold

When passion’s lost and all the trust is gone,
Way too far, for way too long
Children crying, cast out and neglected,
Only in a world so cold, only in a world
This cold
Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes
Then watch them drift away
Some might say, we’ve done the wrong things,
For way too long, for way too long

Fever inside the storm,
So I’m turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
‘Cause I’m through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
‘Cause I’m running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Burning whispers, remind me of the days,
I was left alone, in a world this cold
Guilty of the same things, provoked by
The cause,
I’ve left alone, in a world so cold
Fever inside the storm,
Cuz I’m running away.
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I’m flying, I’m flying away,
Away from the names
(Calling your names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Why does everyone feel like my enemy,
Don’t want any part of depression or
Darkness, I’ve had enough
sick and tired, bring the sun, or I’m gone,
Or I’m gone

I’m backing out, I’m no pawn,
No mother-fucking slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don’t give a shit about
Anything

I’m flying away
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold
I’m flying, I’m flying away
Away from the names
(Calling you names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Another breach of agreement

This morning while sitting behind my laptop, I started wondering why H has been sleeping more then usual this past week. Before I found out about his affair, he was sleeping quite a bit. Looking back now, I know it was his way of trying to avoid me as much as possible. There have been times since, where he had started sleeping more, but that was due to the stress he was facing regarding his business. So this past week, when his sleeping pattern changed again, I figured something was up. I knew that his business wasn’t going as bad as it once was and as far as “us”, there is no stress for him as we have been floating here. So I wondered what could it possibly be that has caused him to go to bed very late and sleep during his lunch time.

While sitting and thinking, I felt this urge to go and check “that forum” to see if H had logged in. I hadn’t checked the forum in weeks. Much to my surprise, he had not only logged in, but he also posted. I was upset to say the least. Part of the agreement we had made was that he was to leave the forum completely.

When I went onto “that forum”, H had not only returned, but done so on September 30. Now it makes sense as to why his sleeping pattern changed. I then logged in and went into his private messages where a couple of people sent him “welcome back” messages. There were also messages to and from a women. There should have been a total of eight but they were all deleted except for two. So he’s definitely hiding something.

I knew H would return to “that forum” after summer. I predicted and I was right. He was only trying to buy time and wasn’t really serious about working on us. I was just waiting around for something a little bit bigger then his emails with a woman from “that forum”. Now, all these proves he really doesn’t care and never really did.

Upset as I was to learn of this new development, I wrote H an email thanking him for making my decision a lot easier:

One of the conditions for me staying here is that you stay away from ******(<–“that forum”). Looks like you have returned in full color. So power to you!

Another condition for me to stay was that you were not to have ANY contact with women via the Internet. I have watched you and know you are in contact with ***** via email and even possibly others through PM in yahoo.

I have nothing more to say about this. I will plan for my departure very carefully to make sure I do things right this time.

No need to respond to this email and no need to discuss this any further.

Peace..

A little while later, H comes home from work on break to make a coffee. He tells me “thank you?” and gives me the most hateful piercing look that I haven’t seen in a very long time.

I replied, “Yes, you returned to the forum.”

No, I didn’t”, he replied as though he believed it himself.

Yes you did. You posted,” I said while wondering to myself what his reason would be this time.

Well I may have posted, but I haven’t returned to the forum,” he said it as though he were trying to convince himself what he believed to be true.

I couldn’t believe he was playing the denial card again. What came to mind was a few months back when he was denying what was right in front of him. As a matter of fact, his pattern of denial has not changed all these months.

He knew that I would eventually find out. Why didn’t he come up with a better reason as to why he returned to that forum? He was so upset knowing that he had messed up yet again, and told me I could leave, but our daughter is staying. I told him I will not leave my daughter behind. She is going with me and he can stop me at the airport on my way out of the country.

Once he returned back to work, my mind started racing. I realized, just as he does, that he has me right where he wants me. He did not only betray me, lie to me, put me through shit all these months, belittle me, blame shift on to me, but now, he can also get rid of me and keep his daughter. He knew what he was doing all along.

Too much time on my hands

H mentioned to me that he likes the road we’re on. He likes this road, because it is a road of peace in the home. We only talk about every day things, which mostly relates to our daughter. There are no longer any heavy conversations or disagreements. It is very quiet here on the home front.

I understand how he likes a quiet road, I do too. In fact, it allows one to think and plan their future. However, this road we’re on, even though very quiet, is the wrong road as we’re not addressing any of our problems. We’re just floating here. I believe that we will continue down this road until one of us gets tired and walks away. It feels like the only thing that’s left is the heated ash from the large fire that was burning for several months. The smoke has started lifting from the ashes, but the small flame that lies beneath, is not completely out yet.

When H heard the part about one of us walking away, he was caught off guard and questioned it.

That is when he began acting very serious and told me, “You have too much time on your hands to analyze things and I am very concerned about you.”

When I asked exactly what he meant by that, he had no explanation as to why he was concerned.

He continued repeating the phrase but would not give me an answer. If I didn’t know better it sounded like he was trying to get me to believe something was terribly wrong with the free time I had or with me for that matter. Of course, after all I’ve been through with him, I know him much better then that. He always tells me something like the above phrase when a conversation begins to get deep or is of a serious nature. This usually happens when he wants to avoid the topic of discussion. It is his way to turn the conversation around taking our focus elsewhere, which always leads to me.

I sure wish he was this concerned about me over the last several months when I was going out of my mind and going through all the shit he was dishing out. He was never concerned at all. And if he was, he never showed it.

It is true that I have more time on my hands now. Four extra hours to be exact. But that’s only because our daughter started school. It gives me the time I need to do my housework without interruptions and a little bit of “me” time. Now why would that be a concern for H?

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Next: Another breach of agreement

A breach of agreement

Just about everyone on the Internet has heard of Craig’s list. All kinds of items are sold there and people flock to buy. However, we also know that this site is a place that advertises “free sex”. People place ads on there looking for sex and covering it up with needing an escort or someone to just hang out with. Women coming to this country for vacation, advertise there as needing a tour guide. And if its a woman, she is strictly asking for a man. Need I say more?

Now tell me, why would a married man go to this site and look under personals in the country where he resides? Could it be that he is looking for some “free sex”? Or is it just curiosity to see what he is missing from having the old ball and chain around?

Besides Craig’s list, I also know that H is still in contact via email with a woman from “that forum”. This is a breach of an agreement that was made when I gave him the conditions for me staying. He is not to have ANY contact with women via the Internet and he knows it. I guess he really doesn’t care and is just pushing the envelope to see how far he can go. I am so tired of all this. I guess now I have to live up to my request and the consequences will have to be enforced. Otherwise, he will think I was blowing hot air and that was not the case at all.

- – - – - – - – -

Next: Too much time on my hands

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