Why we stay

When effected by infidelity in a marriage, there comes a time when you are faced with the decision of either leaving the marriage or staying to work on it. If you have never been in this type of situation before, it is one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to make. You have to live with the choice no matter which one you choose. Sometimes its for the best, and sometimes it is not. In the end, the only way you know you have made the right choice is when you find yourself happy again.

There are a few reasons why women stay in a marriage that has been effected by infidelity. One of the most common is staying together for the sake of the children. I’ve heard this over and over again from quite a few women out there. For the life of me, I do not understand how they can live that way, nor the outcome it has on their children after the fact. Here in this country, people do it all the time. They do it more here then back in the states. After all, Infidelity here is not a reason to divorce.

When I look back on my parents lives together, they too stayed together for the sake of us kids. In fact, after I busted my father, he told me, “At least I stayed with your mother until you kids were grown and gone”. Parents make sacrifices all the time, just for the sake of their children. While making the decision to stay, it never comes to mind that their time spent are years they will never get back. Then comes the day when their children are grown and gone. They look back and see all those wasted years. They live with the regret, only because they thought it was for the best at the time. I know. I saw it in my father’s eyes.

Since the day I found out about H affair, I stood firm telling him I will not stay together for the sake of our daughter. It is something I have never believed in and something I will never do. I want a marriage as it should be and not one where we just co-exist together. Our daughter is almost five but even so, she is not naive as to what is going on between us. No matter how much we try to hide it, she feels it and knows it.

The reason why I stayed was because I really thought that H would change. I believed he would come out of the fog he was in and realized what he wanted. I believed that one day, his mind would clear and he would see all the damage he had caused to our marriage and would help repair it. He would realize he loved me and wanted us and we would work together. I guess that in itself kept me going during the most difficult time of my life. I thought that time was what he needed in order to see things for what they really were/are, but I was very wrong.

I wanted to know where we stood early on. I pushed so hard with conversations by trying to get down to the bottom of things, all because I didn’t want months to go by without working things through. If it was over, I wanted to know. I wanted to plan for a life without H if he didn’t really want me. However, it was a lost cause. I didn’t know it at the time, but dealing with a person who is that fogged up, is like hitting your head up against a brick wall.

As time went on, I realized that because I was living in a foreign country with no job or money of my own, that we could not separate. He was not going to get another place and I sure couldn’t do it myself. If it had been possible, I’m sure that his mind would have cleared up quickly, but then again, I will never know.

Looking back over the last eight months, I can kick myself in the ass! Now I realize that I should have left when he was trying to push me out the door. I may have never known what the outcome would have been if I had stayed. I may have never known if he would have snapped out of it and really wanted us. But at least, I would have NOT had to endure more of the same pain during the months that followed. I could have lived without knowing the rest.

Yes, things would have been so different. All I find myself doing a lot these days is kicking myself over and over again. At least I’m no longer banging my head up against that brick wall. And wouldn’t you know it, my headache has finally started to subside.

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Next: Divorce court along side my parents

International Law prevents me from leaving

Over the last several months, I have been feeling like H has had me exactly where he wants me. The mutual agreement regarding custody of our daughter was something we both agreed to sign. However, it was put off during the time I was sick. When the matter came up again, H refused to sign the contract for his own selfish reasons. It is true that I can leave any time I want, but my dilemma is that I cannot bring myself to leave without my daughter. And if I take her with me, there will be kidnapping charges to face, and I will lose her altogether.

As far as I’m concerned, International law is close to that of the states. After talking with an Attorney the other day, I figured that it was strange about appearing before a judge to allow him to rule on the best interest of our daughter and where she should live, without filing for a divorce or legal separation first. In the back of my mind, I thought this was very unusual but then again, laws I have ran across, during my time here, are very different from that of the states. So I basically just went along with it, thinking I just might have a chance.

When my Attorney called me today, she told me that it was best to file for a divorce before taking this matter to court. I would be able to provide my request for divorce as a reason for leaving the country. If I go before the judge without applying for a divorce, then I would have to prove that me and H are not mentally connected in any way. Now how does one prove that? Personally, I believe that whether or not I file, a judge would state it is in the best interest of our daughter that I remain in the country, so she can be closer to her father.

To help the judge come to a decision, he would basically look at our daughter’s environment and relationship she has with H family, since I have no family here. Being that this is the only criteria the judge will use, I have no chance at all. H family and this country is all our daughter has ever known. Not to mention that in September, she will start school here. She will finally be settled with a complete life. Not only with family, but with friends as well. No judge in his right state of mind will grant me custody of our daughter to move her half way around the world, away from everyone and everything she has every known.

Months ago I had discussed divorce with my Attorney and it was not recommended due to the time it would take, the long custody battle and the cost. That is when we came to the mutual agreement regarding the custody. If I were to file for a divorce now, my first hearing date will be some time in 2010. From that point, it will take any where from three months to over a year for the judge to make his decision regarding custody of our daughter. All the while, I would have to remain in this country during the entire process. That will take over a year, if not two years, before all will be said and done. And at that time, my daughter will be seven years old.

My Attorney did come up with the idea of joint custody. Our daughter would spend six months out of the year with me and the six months with H. I told her H would never agree to that. She then asked me if I thought H would actually file kidnapping charges against me. I told her he has said so in the past which prevented me from leaving the first time, and even if he would not do so as soon as I left, it would eventually be done. She then wanted to know what kind of options H gave me and I told her, I can either stay in this marriage with him and raise our daughter together or I can leave without her. She was silent. She couldn’t believe it.

Basically, I don’t have a 50/50 chance here. In fact, I have no chance at all. As time goes by, I lose my daughter more and more. H knows he has me exactly where he wants me. It is so unfair that H chose to ruin our marriage with his infidelity, doesn’t want to save what we could have had and now I’m faced with him taking my daughter from me as well. H won all the way around. Now ,with the information I have gathered regarding my situation, it will be up to me to decide what I’m going to do and it doesn’t look good.

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Next: Soul searching

A legal matter upon leaving

Knowing that it’s over, I contacted our Attorney this morning. She was not in, so I requested to speak to someone else to have a question answered. The Attorney I spoke with is the main Attorney there, whose name represents this particular law firm. I explained that I was ready to walk with my daughter and that H did not want to sign the mutual agreement that our Attorney had already drawn up. He told me to calm down and really think this though. Taking my daughter out of the country is not wise. There could be kidnapping charges filed and I will lose her all together. At that point, I was given a little bit of hope. Hope that possibly I could leave with my daughter at a later time, that is, after appearing in court. I was told that since me and H cannot come to an agreement of any kind, that I would have to take this matter to the Judge for a final decision. I just have to prove that it is in the best interest of our daughter that she is better off living in the states with me. I know this will be quite difficult since this is the only life she has ever known. I will still have a chance here, and I’m taking it! Whatever the outcome will be, at least I can say I tried it the legal way first.

Next week our Attorney will be contacting me to give me a heads up on what needs to be done in order to proceed. So all I can do over the weekend, is just wait.

H did not think I was serious last night when I told him it was over. He was taking things very lightly today. So much in fact, that he was acting as though I never said anything at all. In order to let him know how serious I was, I went ahead and told him that I contacted the Attorney’s office and what was said. He grew very upset and stormed out of the room.

Later in the evening, when husband was in the office, he turned to me and said, “Are you pushing me?”.

“Pushing you to do what?”, I ask

“Pushing me to show my feelings,” he said

“No. If I haven’t been able to get you to show me your feelings over the last seven months, what makes me think I can do so now. I’m not pushing you. I don’t want anything from you.”

If there is anything I have learned in the past seven months is that asking for something, that is not there to give, has gotten me no where. I highly doubt that this is considered pushing and if it is, I know it won’t get him to do anything he is not ready to do.

Just as I was leaving the office, H told him that our daughter does not want to live in the states. She would like to go for a visit but not to live there. Sadly, I know this to be true. Even though she is almost five, this is the only life she has ever known. I know that children bounce back very easily and she will adjust after some time. But still, I can’t help but wonder what kind of impact it will have on her life.

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Next: Save up all your tears

Out of the mouths of babes

H wasn’t in a very good mood today. After lunch, I was in the kitchen with our daughter making H a coffee. Although I don’t know why, in a jokingly way, I said “I wonder why daddy is being so mean today”.

Her reply, which floored me was, “Because he doesn’t love you”. Keep in mind, this child is almost five years old.

After I heard what she had said, I tried not to acted surprised. I had no idea how to reply to her or even if I should. So I didn’t saying anything at all. I guess if I would have known right then and there that H truly did love me, I would have corrected her. But what I realized, is that I was just as confused as she was.

I went to H, who was close by and asked him if he had over heard what our daughter had just said. He said no. So I proceeded to tell him. When he heard what she said, he quickly went over to her and said, “Daddy does love mommy and mommy does love daddy. That is why mommy makes daddy coffee.” He tried to pick her up in his arms but she didn’t want him to.

It has been said that children have a better sense of these things then we as adults have. I wonder if she can actually sense how H really feels about me?

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Next: I’m still alive!