Questions about the other woman

For those of you who have been following my story. No, we have not yet discussed the situation of our marriage. I don’t know if he has finally come to the point of taking full responsibility for what he has done or if he has decided to start working on the marriage. It doesn’t seem to be the right time so I’m waiting for a window of opportunity to appear, before climbing through.

Last night, I approached husband to ask him a few questions about the other woman. He had answered questions about her in the past but those answers we not detailed enough. Those answers formed even more questions that I needed answers to. It took me two days to plan my approach since it is difficult to talk to him about anything these days. I approached him as if I would a child who had great fear of me. I had to make sure not to startle him in any way. I reassured him before I asked any questions that this conversation would not carry over into another, and that these were questions I just needed answers to. Since this was not going to be a conversation and it would only be a form of questions for him to answer, I couldn’t add more questions to the answers he would give me. I had to be very careful not to scare him to the point where he would emotionally shut down.

At first he was very apprehensive and then started calming down when he noticed that I was calm myself. I set a calm environment by being very relaxed and that in turn, relaxed him as well.

My first question to him was one that I had asked him in the past and just wanted to see if the answer was the same. I asked him if there was a mutual agreement between the two of them that their meetings were only for sex. He replied that they both had agreed but he didn’t give me much more of an answer then that. To me, this is still questionable and it will have to be address some time in the future to clarify.

My second question to him was how did he know she was a psycho (as he put it). He said he didn’t know it in the beginning but began noticing the way she was writing her emails to him after the fact. It came to light some time later when she confided in him saying that she was taking medication for multiple personalities and she had even been institutionalized at one point. She told him that during the time she was seeing him, she stopped taking her medication so she could feel free.

My third question was regarding a “thank you” email she wrote him thanking him for helping her out with her son. I asked him how he helped her and he said it had something to do the relationship her teenage son had with his father. Due to the large age gap they did not get along. He didn’t quite remember what he told her.

My fourth question I asked was if she ever threatened him in any way and he said no. I then asked if she had threatened to tell me and he said she did once. In the past he told me she threatened him twice. This is the burning question because even though the physical part of the affair ended May of last year, I still don’t have an answer as to why he continued contact with her even though she initiated every time. Normally, in cases like this, where the women is obsessive, the man is afraid the other women will tell his wife.

I have to admit that once I was done asking the questions, the answers that were given caused even more questions. I realized that getting into a conversation at this point was not wise. So I didn’t ask any further. I know there will come a time very soon when we will have a lengthy conversation and that is when I will present the questions.

In the end, I thanked him for the answers he gave which helped me to clear a few things up. I explained to him I did understand what he went through with the other women after he tried to break it off with her. I also understand the difficulty he was having trying to balance out both me and her. On top of that, trying to keep a secret that he had no idea when or if it would ever come to light. He thanked me for my understanding and I saw a sense of relief come over him. He was very appreciative and thanked me for my understanding. I sense that this may be a turning point for him now that he sees I have changed towards the situation. As a result, he may become comfortable enough to begin discussing the truth about the affair and that in turn, can help us begin healing our marriage. I guess only time will tell.

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Next: If only we could fast forward time

Holding on to hope

I’m just holding on to a little bit of hope thinking that the next day, he’s going to snap completely out of it and realize what he really wants. I cannot wait around forever and be tortured every day just for the way he acts towards me and the the things he says.

“I’m really tired of telling you how I feel about the situation and you telling me to get over it. I’m tired of you not proving to me that it was a mistake, not a mistake because you were harassed after the fact, but it was a mistake because you realized you really did love me and that it didn’t mean anything to you – it was only sex because I was out of the country. I cannot believe you have not been able to start over fresh and new like you had promised the day I found out. I am physically and mentally tired. I’m exhausted. I’ve been holding this marriage together for over a year now and you haven’t done anything to work on it. There is nothing more to fight for here. Its taken a few days to soak in, but I know you are not going to try and its time for me to go.”

He replied with a cold look on his face, “I won’t beg you to stay. But you have to let me have communication with my daughter.”

“She will have communication with you but you have to realize one thing. You haven’t bonded with her in the way you should have and because of that reason, she never wanted to get on the phone with you during the three months we were in the states, so I doubt she will want to once we’re gone. Its not going to be my fault if she doesn’t want to talk to you. I will guarantee you one thing though, she will have communication with you on the computer every day if you want to or on the phone if you call. That will be totally up to you and you will determine what kind of relationship you will have with your daughter. You will go visit her whenever you are able to, once or twice a year to stay in her life so she can see you.”

He replied,”maybe once a year, but not twice.”

“Its up to you. I’m not going to play the in between. I’m not going to push you two together.

If you couldn’t bond with her over the last four years that she’s been with us, then what makes you think you can do so when we’re gone?

Not wanting to comment on what I had just asked and changing his mind once again about us going, he says, “I am willing to try and work on our marriage but I don’t remember how. We drifted apart long ago.”

Talking to him as though he were a child...”it comes from the heart. If you love someone, it comes naturally. It’s not something you have to work at. It’s not something you have to re-learn. If you want a relationship you’re gonna work on it through all the problems of every day life, you’re going to work through it.”

He didn’t have anything to say about that and instead he said, “Can’t we make this work?”

I explained…”I’m like a car almost out of gas and I can’t go on anymore. We are going to go once we get some loose ends tied up here. Too bad you cannot find it in your soul to even try to make this work. I’m not going to hold this together anymore doing it completely alone. Not for the sake of the child. I don’t believe in it.”

And still after what I had said, he had no comment at all. He just stood there for a few seconds and then turned and walked away.

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Next: There’s a man I know