Another breach of agreement

This morning while sitting behind my laptop, I started wondering why H has been sleeping more then usual this past week. Before I found out about his affair, he was sleeping quite a bit. Looking back now, I know it was his way of trying to avoid me as much as possible. There have been times since, where he had started sleeping more, but that was due to the stress he was facing regarding his business. So this past week, when his sleeping pattern changed again, I figured something was up. I knew that his business wasn’t going as bad as it once was and as far as “us”, there is no stress for him as we have been floating here. So I wondered what could it possibly be that has caused him to go to bed very late and sleep during his lunch time.

While sitting and thinking, I felt this urge to go and check “that forum” to see if H had logged in. I hadn’t checked the forum in weeks. Much to my surprise, he had not only logged in, but he also posted. I was upset to say the least. Part of the agreement we had made was that he was to leave the forum completely.

When I went onto “that forum”, H had not only returned, but done so on September 30. Now it makes sense as to why his sleeping pattern changed. I then logged in and went into his private messages where a couple of people sent him “welcome back” messages. There were also messages to and from a women. There should have been a total of eight but they were all deleted except for two. So he’s definitely hiding something.

I knew H would return to “that forum” after summer. I predicted and I was right. He was only trying to buy time and wasn’t really serious about working on us. I was just waiting around for something a little bit bigger then his emails with a woman from “that forum”. Now, all these proves he really doesn’t care and never really did.

Upset as I was to learn of this new development, I wrote H an email thanking him for making my decision a lot easier:

One of the conditions for me staying here is that you stay away from ******(<–“that forum”). Looks like you have returned in full color. So power to you!

Another condition for me to stay was that you were not to have ANY contact with women via the Internet. I have watched you and know you are in contact with ***** via email and even possibly others through PM in yahoo.

I have nothing more to say about this. I will plan for my departure very carefully to make sure I do things right this time.

No need to respond to this email and no need to discuss this any further.

Peace..

A little while later, H comes home from work on break to make a coffee. He tells me “thank you?” and gives me the most hateful piercing look that I haven’t seen in a very long time.

I replied, “Yes, you returned to the forum.”

“No, I didn’t”, he replied as though he believed it himself.

“Yes you did. You posted,” I said while wondering to myself what his reason would be this time.

Well I may have posted, but I haven’t returned to the forum,” he said it as though he were trying to convince himself what he believed to be true.

I couldn’t believe he was playing the denial card again. What came to mind was a few months back when he was denying what was right in front of him. As a matter of fact, his pattern of denial has not changed all these months.

He knew that I would eventually find out. Why didn’t he come up with a better reason as to why he returned to that forum? He was so upset knowing that he had messed up yet again, and told me I could leave, but our daughter is staying. I told him I will not leave my daughter behind. She is going with me and he can stop me at the airport on my way out of the country.

Once he returned back to work, my mind started racing. I realized, just as he does, that he has me right where he wants me. He did not only betray me, lie to me, put me through shit all these months, belittle me, blame shift on to me, but now, he can also get rid of me and keep his daughter. He knew what he was doing all along.

Too much time on my hands

H mentioned to me that he likes the road we’re on. He likes this road, because it is a road of peace in the home. We only talk about every day things, which mostly relates to our daughter. There are no longer any heavy conversations or disagreements. It is very quiet here on the home front.

I understand how he likes a quiet road, I do too. In fact, it allows one to think and plan their future. However, this road we’re on, even though very quiet, is the wrong road as we’re not addressing any of our problems. We’re just floating here. I believe that we will continue down this road until one of us gets tired and walks away. It feels like the only thing that’s left is the heated ash from the large fire that was burning for several months. The smoke has started lifting from the ashes, but the small flame that lies beneath, is not completely out yet.

When H heard the part about one of us walking away, he was caught off guard and questioned it.

That is when he began acting very serious and told me, “You have too much time on your hands to analyze things and I am very concerned about you.”

When I asked exactly what he meant by that, he had no explanation as to why he was concerned.

He continued repeating the phrase but would not give me an answer. If I didn’t know better it sounded like he was trying to get me to believe something was terribly wrong with the free time I had or with me for that matter. Of course, after all I’ve been through with him, I know him much better then that. He always tells me something like the above phrase when a conversation begins to get deep or is of a serious nature. This usually happens when he wants to avoid the topic of discussion. It is his way to turn the conversation around taking our focus elsewhere, which always leads to me.

I sure wish he was this concerned about me over the last several months when I was going out of my mind and going through all the shit he was dishing out. He was never concerned at all. And if he was, he never showed it.

It is true that I have more time on my hands now. Four extra hours to be exact. But that’s only because our daughter started school. It gives me the time I need to do my housework without interruptions and a little bit of “me” time. Now why would that be a concern for H?

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Next: Another breach of agreement

A breach of agreement

Just about everyone on the Internet has heard of Craig’s list. All kinds of items are sold there and people flock to buy. However, we also know that this site is a place that advertises “free sex”. People place ads on there looking for sex and covering it up with needing an escort or someone to just hang out with. Women coming to this country for vacation, advertise there as needing a tour guide. And if its a woman, she is strictly asking for a man. Need I say more?

Now tell me, why would a married man go to this site and look under personals in the country where he resides? Could it be that he is looking for some “free sex”? Or is it just curiosity to see what he is missing from having the old ball and chain around?

Besides Craig’s list, I also know that H is still in contact via email with a woman from “that forum”. This is a breach of an agreement that was made when I gave him the conditions for me staying. He is not to have ANY contact with women via the Internet and he knows it. I guess he really doesn’t care and is just pushing the envelope to see how far he can go. I am so tired of all this. I guess now I have to live up to my request and the consequences will have to be enforced. Otherwise, he will think I was blowing hot air and that was not the case at all.

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Next: Too much time on my hands

A suspicious mind

Once a person has been effected by Infidelity, their eyes are now open, their radar goes up and they watch and wait to see what’s coming next. They question events that might occur and wonder if the answers given are genuine or not when told to them by their spouse. As time goes by, they no longer question these events, instead, they just make a mental note and wait to see if anything develops over time.

I am so tired of being suspicious when something out of the ordinary happens. H cell phone hasn’t rang for weeks, at least when he is home. So when it did at a very odd hour, I couldn’t help but wonder who it could possibly be.

H was taking a nap during the time the call came through. The first time his phone rang, he did not get it out of his pocket in time. However, he did look at the number and before putting the phone away, I asked him who it was. He said it was a moderator from “that forum”. About a minute later, his phone rang again. He picks it up, looks at the number, but doesn’t answer it. I asked him why he didn’t answer his phone and his reason was that he was half awake and half asleep. Then the third time it rang, he got the phone, looked at the number, and still would not answer it. I told him to just answer it when it rings again. Sure enough when the phone rang a forth time, he answered and left the room talking.

When H returned, he told me the guy needed computer help and would be calling him back later. I wonder if this is actually true. No one from “that forum” has contacted him all summer to even ask where he is or how he’s doing. Now out of no where, someone calls him to ask for computer help? What is also strange is that the owner of said forum, along with other members there, know computers quite well. So why didn’t the guy take his computer related questions to someone else?

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Next: A breach of agreement

No more Mr. Nice guy

I am feeling much better today then I did last night. Last night, for no apparent reason, I began feeling dizzy when I got out of bed. The room was spinning out of control and I had no idea what came over me. I thought it would be a good idea to walk around a bit in hopes that it would go away. Needless to say, it never did.

I no longer talk to H about my health, so I wanted to make sure something was seriously wrong before telling him anything. Besides the dizziness, my head felt heavy and my legs felt as though they had 100 LB weights on them. If I laid down, the room would spin even more.

After walking around a bit, I went over to tell H how I was feeling. He said he already knew how I felt, meaning that he didn’t want an explanation. In fact, I noticed the he was cold and distant, not like the sweet man I know him to be when I am sick. The coldness I felt from him was so thick that I decided to tell him he didn’t have to sit with me. He then left.

It took me forever to get down in a laying position. I had to scoot down every few minutes before actually laying flat on my back. It was terrible. What was going through my mind was that this might just be the beginning of a hormonal in balance and there was no way I would stay in bed like last time. Even now, H will bring it up, repeating to me how he took care of me as though I were such a burden for him. I guess it was a good thing that he was cold towards me this time. At least I won’t fall for Mr. Nice Guy. The sweet man who appears and then disappears rather quickly.

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Next: A suspicious mind

Crying over spilled milk

H was upset last night after reading a comment left by a person who replied to his comment on another post. He went on and on about it. What really got to me was when he said, “she is just crying over spilled milk and is probably just dwelling on what has happened to her.” I was actually surprised that H never used the above phrase towards me during all the crying I had been doing over the last several months. I was also confused at his reaction to her comment and couldn’t figure out why it got under his skin. It was not a personal attack of any kind. It was just a comment as to what she thought about the situation, along with a little advice for him.

Her comment was far from the above phrase he used to define it. Not knowing this person’s situation, how could H even say she was dwelling on it. We don’t know this person’s story. It could be something fresh or it could be something that she has been dealing with for years. Everyone’s situation is different. It takes time to get past a betrayal. It depends on how long the betrayal has been going on. It depends on how a person finds out or if they are told by their spouse. It depends on how a person deals with their pain and self healing, especially if their spouse does not help them. There are a lot of contributing factors that play a large part in the healing process.

That’s when H told me, “You can see the forest behind you. You came out of it.” He said it as though he was proud of the fact that I did it all on my own. I don’t think he realizes just how dark and gloomy that forest was, and all I faced while walking through it. How I had to face those demons during those long lonely nights. The cries of fear I let out feeling so lost while thinking I was taking the wrong path. The snakes that hissed at me, which was their way of telling me, that it was all my fault for entering the forest in the first place. At times, I wished that a wild animal would swallow me up, ending it all for me, so I would no longer feel the emptiness. And all those long lonely nights, I sat in the dark wishing someone would rescue me.

Yes, I took it upon myself to walk through that forest. I had to. I couldn’t wait until H decided to walk through that forest with me, because if I had waited, that time would have never come. I had to go through it in order to become sane again, to face all that had happened. To accept it all for what it is. I know there are a lot of people out there who cannot get through that dark forest, some are still going through it, while with others, they take a detour knowing that if they started walking through it, they would never find their way out.

I know its going to take me years to heal from all this, but I have already come so far. I’m to the point now where I’m not crying anymore and it is no longer haunting me as it once did. I can deal with it and talk about it. I don’t get upset like I was before. It just happened that way for me. No two experiences are exactly the same.

Just because I choose to no longer discuss it anymore, doesn’t mean I don’t have the pain each and every day – 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I have it all the time. Its part of me. I have not healed completely from it and who knows how long its going to take me.

Don’t fool yourself into believing that its no big deal.

Don’t fool yourself into believing that I have forgiven you.

Don’t fool yourself into believing I’m over it and that my pain is gone.

You cannot compare your infidelity and betraying me like you did, as though it were spilled milk. However, you can compare it to a major earthquake that hits us here at home. This building gets flattened and we cannot move back into the building because we don’t have the money to rebuild it. You cannot compare all you’ve done to spilled milk, for if it were, it would be as easy as getting a towel and cleaning it up. Its not that simple.

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Next: He needs time

Divorce court along side my parents

I was just going over a post I wrote the other day where H was telling me he wanted to secure me in this country. What came to mind was my father who said the exact same thing to my mother after he left her. He was still paying her bills and supporting her because she was disabled and could not work. My father was living with the other woman at the time, but went by to see my mother every weekend. Things seemed to be going okay, although deep down, I knew it would not last. Looking back now, the guilt he must have felt over what he had done to my mother, ate him up to the point where he wanted to do right by her. However, as time went by, all the promises he made of securing her and saying he would be there for her whenever she needed him, were all lies. From one day to the next, he cut her off completely. My mother had no one to turn to, but me. My brothers, who were older, didn’t care enough to be around and never knew what was going on. So I took it upon myself to support my mother the best I could. I even had to help her obtain an Attorney to divorce my father.

One day, my father came to me and told me that he believed my mother would file for a divorce. He told me that if she divorced him, she would probably get the property and if he can’t have it, he didn’t want her to have it either. It was a clear case of, If-I-can’t-have-it-then-no-one-will. He then told me of an idea he had and ran it by me. He said he could talk my mother into signing over her half of the property to me and he would do the same. I did not like that idea, especially after he told me once the divorce was final, I was to sign over the entire property back over to only him. I stood firm and told him I was not interested and would not do so. At that point, I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of person had he turned into.

As time went on, we no longer spoke much at all. His visits to my mother started becoming more frequent. Then one day he contacted me via phone telling me to line up a notary. He had convinced my mother to sign over her half of the property and he said he was ready to do the same. I reminded him that if this were done, there was no way in hell I would sign it back over to only him. In fact, I made it clear to both of them, that if they signed their place over to me, I would not give it back. If my father was not going to take care of my mother, I knew I had to be the one, and with the house in my name, my mother could stay there indefinitely.

When we met that day at the notary, there were no words exchanged between me and my father. He acted as though he was doing this because he didn’t have any other choice in the matter. He was very upset and acted as though he didn’t even know me or my mother. In fact, I clearly remember him walking out of the place as though he had been among strangers.

A few months later, my mother was completely cut off from my father and she had no idea what to do. Without any source of income or a way to live, I told her that she needed to obtain an Attorney and file for a divorce. She needed money and he owed her spousal support. He couldn’t just walk away from her like that without paying the piper.

Once my father was served, the very next day, I was slapped with a lawsuit from him. He was mad at me for helping my mother obtain an Attorney to divorce him and used the excuse he was under duress at the time he signed his half of the property over to me.

It got ugly. So much in fact, that I too had to obtain an Attorney myself in order to be present during my parent’s divorce proceedings. Picture three people, a father, a mother and a daughter, each being present in divorce court, each with their own attorneys. What a sight that was. Who would have thought I would have had to be in divorce court along side my parents with my own Attorney and I wasn’t even getting a divorce myself at the time.

The last time I saw my father was the last day in court. He had a smirk on his face as though he were getting away with something. Sure enough he did. He quit his job a short time later, so there was no way to detach his wages. I did get the house but for a price. I not only had to pay my father a large amount of money, but I also had to pay off their existing loan on the place. My mother stayed in the house but as the years passed and she got older, she moved into an apartment complex for the elderly.

I guess it goes to show, when things start going bad in a marriage that has been effected by infidelity, you can never believe the promises made by the wayward spouse. They may love their spouse to some extent and might even want to secure them, but there is always another priority that will come up, which will prevent them from doing so. As for the lies, they were there from the beginning and will continue to be there up until the end.

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Next: Its my life

Why we stay

When effected by infidelity in a marriage, there comes a time when you are faced with the decision of either leaving the marriage or staying to work on it. If you have never been in this type of situation before, it is one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to make. You have to live with the choice no matter which one you choose. Sometimes its for the best, and sometimes it is not. In the end, the only way you know you have made the right choice is when you find yourself happy again.

There are a few reasons why women stay in a marriage that has been effected by infidelity. One of the most common is staying together for the sake of the children. I’ve heard this over and over again from quite a few women out there. For the life of me, I do not understand how they can live that way, nor the outcome it has on their children after the fact. Here in this country, people do it all the time. They do it more here then back in the states. After all, Infidelity here is not a reason to divorce.

When I look back on my parents lives together, they too stayed together for the sake of us kids. In fact, after I busted my father, he told me, “At least I stayed with your mother until you kids were grown and gone”. Parents make sacrifices all the time, just for the sake of their children. While making the decision to stay, it never comes to mind that their time spent are years they will never get back. Then comes the day when their children are grown and gone. They look back and see all those wasted years. They live with the regret, only because they thought it was for the best at the time. I know. I saw it in my father’s eyes.

Since the day I found out about H affair, I stood firm telling him I will not stay together for the sake of our daughter. It is something I have never believed in and something I will never do. I want a marriage as it should be and not one where we just co-exist together. Our daughter is almost five but even so, she is not naive as to what is going on between us. No matter how much we try to hide it, she feels it and knows it.

The reason why I stayed was because I really thought that H would change. I believed he would come out of the fog he was in and realized what he wanted. I believed that one day, his mind would clear and he would see all the damage he had caused to our marriage and would help repair it. He would realize he loved me and wanted us and we would work together. I guess that in itself kept me going during the most difficult time of my life. I thought that time was what he needed in order to see things for what they really were/are, but I was very wrong.

I wanted to know where we stood early on. I pushed so hard with conversations by trying to get down to the bottom of things, all because I didn’t want months to go by without working things through. If it was over, I wanted to know. I wanted to plan for a life without H if he didn’t really want me. However, it was a lost cause. I didn’t know it at the time, but dealing with a person who is that fogged up, is like hitting your head up against a brick wall.

As time went on, I realized that because I was living in a foreign country with no job or money of my own, that we could not separate. He was not going to get another place and I sure couldn’t do it myself. If it had been possible, I’m sure that his mind would have cleared up quickly, but then again, I will never know.

Looking back over the last eight months, I can kick myself in the ass! Now I realize that I should have left when he was trying to push me out the door. I may have never known what the outcome would have been if I had stayed. I may have never known if he would have snapped out of it and really wanted us. But at least, I would have NOT had to endure more of the same pain during the months that followed. I could have lived without knowing the rest.

Yes, things would have been so different. All I find myself doing a lot these days is kicking myself over and over again. At least I’m no longer banging my head up against that brick wall. And wouldn’t you know it, my headache has finally started to subside.

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Next: Divorce court along side my parents

Spouse to friend vs. Spouse to spouse

“You are tired of my shit”, is what I heard from H this evening. It was not really a question but rather something he had been thinking about and just said out loud. Hell yes, I’m tired! I’m more like extremely exhausted. Exhausted to the point where I will never get the rest I need, in order to fully recover.

He says he is aware of all he has done to me while treating me like shit. He actually described it as not knowing what he was doing at the time, but now he can see all he has done. If this is truly the case, then why hasn’t he made up for the way he treated me? When someone loves you and they do you wrong, no matter what it is, they will find a way to make it up to you. I know this is true in friendship but why isn’t it that way in marriage?

You would think that being married is more of a reason to make up for a wrong committed from one spouse to another. However, it seems like that is not the case in most marriages effected by infidelity. In fact, we see more cases of making up for a wrong committed by a spouse to a friend, then from a spouse to a spouse.

And if this is the case, then I would rather be a friend of my H, then be his wife. For if I were just a friend, you’d be damn sure, he would have made it up to me long ago. He would have stopped dead in his tracks doing all he was doing, while seeing how much he was hurting his friend. Then he would have bent over backwards in order to make up for it. Sadly, I am not a friend of my husband in that sense. I am his wife.

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Next: Sometimes love just ain’t enough

Soul searching

Now that H is no longer on “that forum”, there is a calmness between us. Sure we have our issues but now we no longer have to deal with our issues on top of other problems that “that forum” brought into our marriage. Plus, we no longer have to deal with his misbehaving, flirting with other women, spending all those hours in chat and taking phone calls for computer related problems. If only he would have just put all those social activities aside and concentrated on our marriage, but no, he had to bring other women into our chaotic situation to create even more conflicted between the two of us.

The calmness between me and H has allowed him to do some soul searching. He didn’t share his findings me with, but I’m sure they will come to light at a later time. The important thing is that he is finally starting to look deep within himself and hopefully, he will realize the damage he has caused to this marriage and to us. If there is one thing I wish for him, it is to learn from not only the experience itself and the consequences after the fact, but to see and feel all the pain he has repeatedly inflicted on me all these months. Maybe in his soul searching he will figured out how to fix all he has broken.

By now, I’m sure that he has realized its not only the calm between us that has given him the time he needs in order to do this soul searching, but its also due to the fact that he is no longer on “that forum”. Surely, he must be realizing that all the time and effort he put into “that forum” all those months, could have been applied to our marriage and to us. I wonder if he’ll realize all this once his soul searching is complete?

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Next: Inner peace