Death of me

I should have seen those signs all around me,
But I was comfortable inside these wounds;
So go ahead and take another piece of me now
While we all bow down to you;

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and still it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be
The death of me!

How can you end my affliction
If you’re the sickness and I’m the cure?
Too long I’ve faked this addiction,
Another sacrifice to make us pure;

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and still it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be
The death of me!

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and still it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be
The death of me!

I won’t forget;
I cannot forget this;
I won’t forget;
I’ll never forget this;
I won’t forget;
I cannot forget this;
I won’t forget;
I’ll never forget this;

I won’t forget!
I cannot forget this!
I won’t forget!
I’ll never forget!

You know I can never prove this solution;
You aren’t the one that I thought you were;
And so I learn to embrace this illusion,
The line that separates- it starts to blur;

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and say it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be
The death of me!

And you’ll be the death of me!

I will not forget!
I cannot forget this!
And you’ll be the death of me!

Do what you do

Lips bleed from the rings,
All these little bruises, the little things,
That provoke the segregation.
Lead the separation.
Cage and clip the wings.
Little noises, the little screams,
That stop the operation.
Conscious amputation.
 
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you did to me.
Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere,
With nothing,
With no one.
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you've done to me.
Draw the chalk line around the scene, it's over,
Now it's all over.
 
Like a heart that's lost its beat.
A little boy, that softly weeps,
Overwhelmed with emotion,
Views burns through explosion.
Lost the forest through the trees
Little whispers, the little dreams,
That sparked the recollection.
Constant suffocation.
 
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you did to me.
Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere,
With nothing,
With no one.
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you've done to me.
Draw the chalk line around the scene, it's over,
Now it's all over.
 
I can feel my life is changing,
Changing.
I can feel my heart is jaded,
Jaded.
 
Left the sticks,
Left the stones,
Words don't hurt,
Mend the bones.
I can feel my life is changing.
 
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you did to me.
Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere,
With nothing,
With no one.
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you've done to me.
Draw the chalk line around the scene, it's over,
Now it's all over.
 
Erase the past and leave the pain,
Cleanse the wounds and forget the name.
Lost the will, ran far away,
So it's all over.
 
Spread the ash and fill the grave,
Lost the tongue and made my way.
Do what you do and go away,
Now it's all over.

World so cold

When passion’s lost and all the trust is gone,
Way too far, for way too long
Children crying, cast out and neglected,
Only in a world so cold, only in a world
This cold
Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes
Then watch them drift away
Some might say, we’ve done the wrong things,
For way too long, for way too long

Fever inside the storm,
So I’m turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
‘Cause I’m through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
‘Cause I’m running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Burning whispers, remind me of the days,
I was left alone, in a world this cold
Guilty of the same things, provoked by
The cause,
I’ve left alone, in a world so cold
Fever inside the storm,
Cuz I’m running away.
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I’m flying, I’m flying away,
Away from the names
(Calling your names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Why does everyone feel like my enemy,
Don’t want any part of depression or
Darkness, I’ve had enough
sick and tired, bring the sun, or I’m gone,
Or I’m gone

I’m backing out, I’m no pawn,
No mother-fucking slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don’t give a shit about
Anything

I’m flying away
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold
I’m flying, I’m flying away
Away from the names
(Calling you names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Another breach of agreement

This morning while sitting behind my laptop, I started wondering why H has been sleeping more then usual this past week. Before I found out about his affair, he was sleeping quite a bit. Looking back now, I know it was his way of trying to avoid me as much as possible. There have been times since, where he had started sleeping more, but that was due to the stress he was facing regarding his business. So this past week, when his sleeping pattern changed again, I figured something was up. I knew that his business wasn’t going as bad as it once was and as far as “us”, there is no stress for him as we have been floating here. So I wondered what could it possibly be that has caused him to go to bed very late and sleep during his lunch time.

While sitting and thinking, I felt this urge to go and check “that forum” to see if H had logged in. I hadn’t checked the forum in weeks. Much to my surprise, he had not only logged in, but he also posted. I was upset to say the least. Part of the agreement we had made was that he was to leave the forum completely.

When I went onto “that forum”, H had not only returned, but done so on September 30. Now it makes sense as to why his sleeping pattern changed. I then logged in and went into his private messages where a couple of people sent him “welcome back” messages. There were also messages to and from a women. There should have been a total of eight but they were all deleted except for two. So he’s definitely hiding something.

I knew H would return to “that forum” after summer. I predicted and I was right. He was only trying to buy time and wasn’t really serious about working on us. I was just waiting around for something a little bit bigger then his emails with a woman from “that forum”. Now, all these proves he really doesn’t care and never really did.

Upset as I was to learn of this new development, I wrote H an email thanking him for making my decision a lot easier:

One of the conditions for me staying here is that you stay away from ******(<–“that forum”). Looks like you have returned in full color. So power to you!

Another condition for me to stay was that you were not to have ANY contact with women via the Internet. I have watched you and know you are in contact with ***** via email and even possibly others through PM in yahoo.

I have nothing more to say about this. I will plan for my departure very carefully to make sure I do things right this time.

No need to respond to this email and no need to discuss this any further.

Peace..

A little while later, H comes home from work on break to make a coffee. He tells me “thank you?” and gives me the most hateful piercing look that I haven’t seen in a very long time.

I replied, “Yes, you returned to the forum.”

“No, I didn’t”, he replied as though he believed it himself.

“Yes you did. You posted,” I said while wondering to myself what his reason would be this time.

Well I may have posted, but I haven’t returned to the forum,” he said it as though he were trying to convince himself what he believed to be true.

I couldn’t believe he was playing the denial card again. What came to mind was a few months back when he was denying what was right in front of him. As a matter of fact, his pattern of denial has not changed all these months.

He knew that I would eventually find out. Why didn’t he come up with a better reason as to why he returned to that forum? He was so upset knowing that he had messed up yet again, and told me I could leave, but our daughter is staying. I told him I will not leave my daughter behind. She is going with me and he can stop me at the airport on my way out of the country.

Once he returned back to work, my mind started racing. I realized, just as he does, that he has me right where he wants me. He did not only betray me, lie to me, put me through shit all these months, belittle me, blame shift on to me, but now, he can also get rid of me and keep his daughter. He knew what he was doing all along.

Crying over spilled milk

H was upset last night after reading a comment left by a person who replied to his comment on another post. He went on and on about it. What really got to me was when he said, “she is just crying over spilled milk and is probably just dwelling on what has happened to her.” I was actually surprised that H never used the above phrase towards me during all the crying I had been doing over the last several months. I was also confused at his reaction to her comment and couldn’t figure out why it got under his skin. It was not a personal attack of any kind. It was just a comment as to what she thought about the situation, along with a little advice for him.

Her comment was far from the above phrase he used to define it. Not knowing this person’s situation, how could H even say she was dwelling on it. We don’t know this person’s story. It could be something fresh or it could be something that she has been dealing with for years. Everyone’s situation is different. It takes time to get past a betrayal. It depends on how long the betrayal has been going on. It depends on how a person finds out or if they are told by their spouse. It depends on how a person deals with their pain and self healing, especially if their spouse does not help them. There are a lot of contributing factors that play a large part in the healing process.

That’s when H told me, “You can see the forest behind you. You came out of it.” He said it as though he was proud of the fact that I did it all on my own. I don’t think he realizes just how dark and gloomy that forest was, and all I faced while walking through it. How I had to face those demons during those long lonely nights. The cries of fear I let out feeling so lost while thinking I was taking the wrong path. The snakes that hissed at me, which was their way of telling me, that it was all my fault for entering the forest in the first place. At times, I wished that a wild animal would swallow me up, ending it all for me, so I would no longer feel the emptiness. And all those long lonely nights, I sat in the dark wishing someone would rescue me.

Yes, I took it upon myself to walk through that forest. I had to. I couldn’t wait until H decided to walk through that forest with me, because if I had waited, that time would have never come. I had to go through it in order to become sane again, to face all that had happened. To accept it all for what it is. I know there are a lot of people out there who cannot get through that dark forest, some are still going through it, while with others, they take a detour knowing that if they started walking through it, they would never find their way out.

I know its going to take me years to heal from all this, but I have already come so far. I’m to the point now where I’m not crying anymore and it is no longer haunting me as it once did. I can deal with it and talk about it. I don’t get upset like I was before. It just happened that way for me. No two experiences are exactly the same.

Just because I choose to no longer discuss it anymore, doesn’t mean I don’t have the pain each and every day – 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I have it all the time. Its part of me. I have not healed completely from it and who knows how long its going to take me.

Don’t fool yourself into believing that its no big deal.

Don’t fool yourself into believing that I have forgiven you.

Don’t fool yourself into believing I’m over it and that my pain is gone.

You cannot compare your infidelity and betraying me like you did, as though it were spilled milk. However, you can compare it to a major earthquake that hits us here at home. This building gets flattened and we cannot move back into the building because we don’t have the money to rebuild it. You cannot compare all you’ve done to spilled milk, for if it were, it would be as easy as getting a towel and cleaning it up. Its not that simple.

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Next: He needs time

It’s my life!!!!

Looks like someone has forgotten it’s my life! This is for him….

It’s funny how I find myself
In love with you
If I could buy my reasoning
I’d pay to lose
One half won’t do

I’ve asked myself
How much do you
Commit yourself?

It’s my life
Don’t you forget
Oh, It’s my life
It never ends (It never ends…)

Funny how I blind myself
I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon
Afraid to lose

Oh, I’d tell myself
What good do you do
Convince myself

Oh, It’s my life
Don’t you forget
Oh, It’s my life
It never ends (It never ends…)

And I’ve asked myself
How much do you
Commit yourself?

It’s my life
Don’t you forget
Caught in the crowd
It never ends (its my life)

It’s my life
Don’t you forget
Caught in the crowd
It never ends (It never ends)

Oh, It’s my life… (oh its my life)
Don’t you forget… (don’t you forget)
Caught in the crowd… (caught in the crowd)
It never ends (it never ends…)

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Next: Crying over spilled milk

Why we stay

When effected by infidelity in a marriage, there comes a time when you are faced with the decision of either leaving the marriage or staying to work on it. If you have never been in this type of situation before, it is one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to make. You have to live with the choice no matter which one you choose. Sometimes its for the best, and sometimes it is not. In the end, the only way you know you have made the right choice is when you find yourself happy again.

There are a few reasons why women stay in a marriage that has been effected by infidelity. One of the most common is staying together for the sake of the children. I’ve heard this over and over again from quite a few women out there. For the life of me, I do not understand how they can live that way, nor the outcome it has on their children after the fact. Here in this country, people do it all the time. They do it more here then back in the states. After all, Infidelity here is not a reason to divorce.

When I look back on my parents lives together, they too stayed together for the sake of us kids. In fact, after I busted my father, he told me, “At least I stayed with your mother until you kids were grown and gone”. Parents make sacrifices all the time, just for the sake of their children. While making the decision to stay, it never comes to mind that their time spent are years they will never get back. Then comes the day when their children are grown and gone. They look back and see all those wasted years. They live with the regret, only because they thought it was for the best at the time. I know. I saw it in my father’s eyes.

Since the day I found out about H affair, I stood firm telling him I will not stay together for the sake of our daughter. It is something I have never believed in and something I will never do. I want a marriage as it should be and not one where we just co-exist together. Our daughter is almost five but even so, she is not naive as to what is going on between us. No matter how much we try to hide it, she feels it and knows it.

The reason why I stayed was because I really thought that H would change. I believed he would come out of the fog he was in and realized what he wanted. I believed that one day, his mind would clear and he would see all the damage he had caused to our marriage and would help repair it. He would realize he loved me and wanted us and we would work together. I guess that in itself kept me going during the most difficult time of my life. I thought that time was what he needed in order to see things for what they really were/are, but I was very wrong.

I wanted to know where we stood early on. I pushed so hard with conversations by trying to get down to the bottom of things, all because I didn’t want months to go by without working things through. If it was over, I wanted to know. I wanted to plan for a life without H if he didn’t really want me. However, it was a lost cause. I didn’t know it at the time, but dealing with a person who is that fogged up, is like hitting your head up against a brick wall.

As time went on, I realized that because I was living in a foreign country with no job or money of my own, that we could not separate. He was not going to get another place and I sure couldn’t do it myself. If it had been possible, I’m sure that his mind would have cleared up quickly, but then again, I will never know.

Looking back over the last eight months, I can kick myself in the ass! Now I realize that I should have left when he was trying to push me out the door. I may have never known what the outcome would have been if I had stayed. I may have never known if he would have snapped out of it and really wanted us. But at least, I would have NOT had to endure more of the same pain during the months that followed. I could have lived without knowing the rest.

Yes, things would have been so different. All I find myself doing a lot these days is kicking myself over and over again. At least I’m no longer banging my head up against that brick wall. And wouldn’t you know it, my headache has finally started to subside.

- – - – - – - – - -

Next: Divorce court along side my parents

Why?

“Why can’t we just wake up tomorrow and act as though nothing happened?”

After I found out about H affair, I heard this phrase from him repeatedly. Now it surfaces again. I guess through the entire process, he has not learned, nor accepted what he had done seeing it for what it is. If he had, then he wouldn’t be asking this question and he would know that it could never be. If we were to wake up one day and forget all that has happened, we would only be fooling ourselves. Speaking for myself, the pain would still be there and that can never be forgotten.

My whys? Why didn’t he just wake up the next day after I found out, and realized what he had done by showing remorse? We could have started putting this all behind us and moving on. Eventually, as time went by, it would begin feeling like none of this ever happen. Why didn’t he wake up the next day and realize he really loved me and wanted “us”? Why didn’t he keep outsiders out of our marriage all the months that followed? Keeping people in this marriage over the months, which prevented him from focusing on “us”, done more damage then the initial affair itself.

“Why couldn’t we have always have been this way towards one another all these years?”

When I heard this, I thought to myself, how textbook. To hear these words from the betrayer, when they decide to re-write marital history, is just unbelievable!

The truth of the matter is we have always gotten along. We were never the kind of couple that argued. Sure there were small disagreements but they few and far between. We never had the perfect marriage, but there was enough respect in it, which allowed us to treat one another with courtesy.

It only bothers him now, because he has blocked out all the years of our time together. I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes, not remembering how good I once had it and what my marriage was like prior to. It must be difficult to see something that once was, when you look back and see it blown to shreds.

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Next: Why we stay

He has the upper hand

I was actually floored when I heard H say that he wanted to secure me with a place of my own. At first, I felt as though he were trying to get rid of me faster then I could say good bye. It still hadn’t sunk in yet. Deep down, I guess I still believed that he would come to me and say he loved me and couldn’t live without me. But that thought quickly left my mind, when I began to realize just how selfish he was actually being. He knows the reason why I came to this country in the first place, and without him in my life, why would I even remain here?

It seems so unfair that he was the one who betrayed me. Lied to me all those months. Letting me find out through an email because he couldn’t bring himself to come to me to tell me what he had done. Then during the months that followed, he continued all he was doing to hurt me over and over again, while showing no remorse for any of it. All the while, I had to learn to accept all he had done and work on my own self healing to move past it. Now, I have been put in this awkward position of us co-existing together under one roof. And to make matters even worse, now he wants me to remain in this country, where I have no family, no friends and no life of my own. He had the upper hand this entire time and still does.

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Next: Absolute

Sometimes love just ain’t enough

A couple of days ago in passing, H told me he didn’t know where we stood. Now he knows exactly how I have been feeling all these months. I have not known where we stood since the day I found out about his affair, and as the months passed, I still did not get any answers from him. He wasn’t even able to prove to me he loved or wanted me in his life, and he still cannot bring himself to do so. We are basically in the same exact place we were months ago. I have progressed in my self healing, but as far as where we stand, we have not moved forward at all.

H cannot see how exhausted I am from everything he has put me through. I have been carrying this marriage alone for two years and I no longer have the strength to do it anymore. I am mentally exhausted. In the last month alone, H agreed to start over twice making false promises to me, of what he would do on his part to help me. Each time, I lived with the false hope of what he said, only to be let down in the end, when he didn’t follow through. I cannot go on like this.

When I told H it was over the other night, I really believed him when he said he had enough love for both of us, to make this work. However, tonight I find out different. He told me he loved me, but he doesn’t have enough love to work on our marriage. At that point, I knew it was really over. I was believing that even though my love for him had faded, that if he truly loved me, he would try to win back my love. To save what he damaged. To prove himself to me. But now I know that is not the case at all. I know it is now over, even on his part.

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Next: He has the upper hand