Heart broken Greek Summer

I haven’t sent my daughter to Greece for a summer vacation since she was 10. That was the only time she had returned since I brought her to the states. She is now 13 and is wanting to go for the summer to spend time with her Aunt and Grandfather (her grandmother passed away last year). When asked if she wants to see her father, she says no.

Like her, I would like to send her to Greece to see her aunt and grandfather. She is the only grandchild and niece they have. I want her to spend time with her grandfather who only speaks Greek in hopes that the language begins to flow again for her. She was fluent at the age of five when I brought her to the states to live.

I am heart broken for my daughter who ran the idea by her father the other day. His response was that he works and so does his girlfriend and they cannot spend any time with her.  When she mentioned she could stay with her aunt (his sister), he didn’t like that idea at all. He quickly changed his mind saying she can go and stay with him but that she will be going to work with him every day and on the weekends, he would take her to see her aunt and grandfather. DD then told her father that she would like to go stay with her grandfather and that he can go and visit her every weekend. He didn’t care too much for that idea either.

DD knows as well as I do that her father will keep her away from them and will not do what he says. She was hurt over the situation asking if it were still possible for her to go. I told her I will do all I can to make it happen.

Three years ago when I had sent her to Greece, her father would not let her spend any time with her aunt or grandparents. It was as though he were using her as a possession and wanted to make them suffer. Like when DD arrived at the airport and her father and aunt were there to greet here, you would have thought they would have traveled the 300 miles together to get there, but that was not the case. In fact, her father made his sister take the bus, however, he did allow her to ride back with them. It was at that point that I knew he was not going to allow them to spend time with DD.  I did not agree with how he was acting and was so upset during the time DD was there but there was nothing I could do to change it. I would tell him over the phone that he was to share her with them but he only let them see her a couple of times.

Me and her father do not talk, so there is not way to come up with any type of agreement. Even if we did, who’s to say he will keep his word. I’m not sure how things will go this time. DD is much older and wiser and knows her father quite well. Maybe once there, she will speak up and tell him what she wants if he doesn’t keep his promises.

Looks whose been looking me up on line

I had an on-line-friend overseas look me up  after several years by sending me a friend request from Linkedin (a business website).  I hadn’t been there in years, so I went ahead and logged in after requesting my password. When I did, I noticed that one person had looked at my profile within the last month, so I click on the link thinking it was just my friend who viewed me when he originally looked me up.  Much to my surprise, it wasn’t him at all, it was my x-husband’s girlfriend!  Apparently she has an account there. Now why, after all these years would she be looking me up??

The only way that she could have ran across my profile was seeing me on his profile.  We have been connected on the site from years ago. I wonder if she is going through his accounts to see who he is in contact with?  I can’t help but wonder if she is searching and trying to look for answers like I once did or maybe she is just trying to keep tabs on him.

It’s funny how someone who doesn’t even know you would be interested in you enough to look you up. Oh, if only she were able to find this blog and read it. Then she would know exactly what kind of man she truly has. The truth is, it really doesn’t matter. He’s her problem now, not mine.

Published in: on December 22, 2016 at 9:11 pm  Comments (2)  
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A wanna-be-father after six years?? Really??

The dead-beat had a Skype conference with DD today. Contact with DD has died down in a major way over the last few months, hell over the last year. Even though he no longer has a cell phone, he has access to a computer 24/7, but even that doesn’t seem to motivate him enough to check on her to see what is going on in her life or to just say hi. This wouldn’t bother me much but I’m the one who has to hear her rant and rave over not hearing from him on holidays or on her birthday. If she expects any communication with him at all, she has been the one to initiate.

Today, when she was on Skype with him, she came to me and said that he wanted to talk to me. I told her to tell him I was busy as I knew what he had to say wouldn’t be worth my time. She then returned to tell me a while later that he said it was important, it was about her (Now keep in mind, I haven’t spoken to him in about a year).  As I approached the laptop, I knew this would be a very short conversation on his part. He is the type of person who loves to talk while never letting anyone else get a word in edgewise and sure enough, that is exactly what happened. He started in by saying that DD had told him she got sick off some broccoli she had in school about three months ago (this goes to show you how often they actually communicate). He said that he was recently diagnosed with Irritable bowel syndrome and that it is inherited. He went on and on about different fruits he is no longer able to eat. The one sided conversation was basically all about himself. When he mentioned bananas and watermelon, I told him she eats them all the time and has never been bothered with a stomach ache of any kind. He wouldn’t let me talk and talked over me by saying I just needed to take her to the doctor to have a special test ran to rule out the problem. I just said ok and walked away.  I knew that he wouldn’t let me talk anyway and he could really care less. If he really cared the first words out of his mouth would have been “Have you taken her to the doctor for a checkup – how is her health?” But instead, he just went into the “all about himself story” and then told me to take her to the doctor. Had he asked, he would have been told that she has already been to the doctor and that she is in good health.

A woman knows

To all the woman who decided to stay even tho I didn’t……

What I wrote July 2008

https://shotthrutheheart.wordpress.com/2008/07/30/why-we-stay/

 

One year ago today…

I left wounded and hurt….totally messed up as a human being. Today, I am healed and trying to get my life back on track.

It has been a long road over the last year. I found it very difficult to pick myself up off the floor while still bleeding, get my things together and walk away. I knew it was something that needed to be done for myself, my sanity and my health. Every part of my well being had been effected in such a major way. Those who have been effected by infidelity know their limits and even though it may be difficult to do what seems to be the impossible, we find our inner strength to do what is best for ourselves in the end.

Things have not been easy for me over the last year. I have had to adjust to so many things.

First off, after spending nine years overseas I returned back home only to find how people had changed. I had to find out the hard way while putting my trust into people who didn’t even earn it. Those around me knew that I was not normal as my personality had been crippled from all I had been through the previous two years. Breakdowns followed me back as well. I had a couple while here in the states in front of those I thought I knew and could trust. But they looked at me as though I needed help and would turn and walk away.

Secondly, adjusting back to the way of life in this country, did not come easy. I had to learn how to live in this society all over again. What was once a way of life for me became so foreign, I felt like I was in a totally different country so unfamiliar to me. And if that weren’t hard enough, I had to watch my daughter in total confusion stripped from the only world she had ever known and enter into another. I guess the worse was when she told me she was Greek and that she was only here because I wanted to be. Talk about a knife going into my chest once again and ripping out the little of my heart that was left.

—I wrote the above December 2009, one year after I arrived back in the states in December of 2008 —

Shot thru the heart, but I’m still alive!

Shot thru the heart, but I'm still alive!

This is the tattoo I had put on in January of 2009, a month after arriving back to the states. It is right over my heart, or what’s left of it anyway.  When people ask to see it and question me about it, I just say, “I was shot thru the heart and I never saw it coming.”  As the years have gone by, I have added, “but it only happens once.”

I have been watching this blog over the last five years, reading comments and approving them.  Seeing how commenters have given advice to those seeking it and those who were seeking comfort found they were not alone. I have wanted to write many times but I was so busy trying to get my life back on track. The last post I wrote was “I made it to the states”, but my story does not end there. There is so much more to it and as time goes by, I will write about all that has happened and where I am today.

Death of me

I should have seen those signs all around me,
But I was comfortable inside these wounds;
So go ahead and take another piece of me now
While we all bow down to you;

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and still it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be The death of me!

How can you end my affliction If you’re the sickness and I’m the cure?
Too long I’ve faked this addiction, Another sacrifice to make us pure;
You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and still it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be The death of me!

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and still it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be The death of me!

I won’t forget; I cannot forget this; I won’t forget;
I’ll never forget this; I won’t forget; I cannot forget this;
I won’t forget; I’ll never forget this;
I won’t forget! I cannot forget this! I won’t forget! I’ll never forget!

You know I can never prove this solution;
You aren’t the one that I thought you were;
And so I learn to embrace this illusion,
The line that separates- it starts to blur;

You tear me down and then you pick me up,
You take it all and say it’s not enough,
You try to tell me you can heal me,
But I’m still bleeding and you’ll be The death of me!

Do what you do

Lips bleed from the rings,
All these little bruises, the little things,
That provoke the segregation.
Lead the separation.
Cage and clip the wings.
Little noises, the little screams,
That stop the operation.
Conscious amputation.
 
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you did to me.
Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere,
With nothing,
With no one.
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you've done to me.
Draw the chalk line around the scene, it's over,
Now it's all over.
 
Like a heart that's lost its beat.
A little boy, that softly weeps,
Overwhelmed with emotion,
Views burns through explosion.
Lost the forest through the trees
Little whispers, the little dreams,
That sparked the recollection.
Constant suffocation.
 
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you did to me.
Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere,
With nothing,
With no one.
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you've done to me.
Draw the chalk line around the scene, it's over,
Now it's all over.
 
I can feel my life is changing,
Changing.
I can feel my heart is jaded,
Jaded.
 
Left the sticks,
Left the stones,
Words don't hurt,
Mend the bones.
I can feel my life is changing.
 
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you did to me.
Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere,
With nothing,
With no one.
Just do what you do,
What you do, what you've done to me.
Draw the chalk line around the scene, it's over,
Now it's all over.
 
Erase the past and leave the pain,
Cleanse the wounds and forget the name.
Lost the will, ran far away,
So it's all over.
 
Spread the ash and fill the grave,
Lost the tongue and made my way.
Do what you do and go away,
Now it's all over.

I made it to the states

Thanks to all who have been concerned regarding my absence on this blog. So much has been going on and I’ve been quite busy trying to sort everything out.

Me and my daughter have managed to make it to the states where we’ve been over the last two months. At this time I don’t know how much longer we will be here as I have been informed that kidnapping charges will be filed by the end of the month.

World so cold

When passion’s lost and all the trust is gone,
Way too far, for way too long
Children crying, cast out and neglected,
Only in a world so cold, only in a world
This cold
Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes
Then watch them drift away
Some might say, we’ve done the wrong things,
For way too long, for way too long

Fever inside the storm,
So I’m turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
‘Cause I’m through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
‘Cause I’m running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Burning whispers, remind me of the days,
I was left alone, in a world this cold
Guilty of the same things, provoked by
The cause,
I’ve left alone, in a world so cold
Fever inside the storm,
Cuz I’m running away.
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I’m flying, I’m flying away,
Away from the names
(Calling your names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Why does everyone feel like my enemy,
Don’t want any part of depression or
Darkness, I’ve had enough
sick and tired, bring the sun, or I’m gone,
Or I’m gone

I’m backing out, I’m no pawn,
No mother-fucking slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don’t give a shit about
Anything

I’m flying away
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold
I’m flying, I’m flying away
Away from the names
(Calling you names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold