I have never gone back

I have always been the type of person who never goes back….

I have never gone back to a relationship.

I have never gone back to a job I was once had.

I have never gone back to a place I once lived.

However, over the last few months I have being playing tub-a-war with myself on one of the three. I find myself filled with regret on leaving my last job. I have never lived with a regret of a decision I have made in life. Yes, some may have been wrong decisions but I never once regretted any of them. I now know what it feels like to have regret and it has been eating away at me over the last few months.

When I had started that job, I was welcomed with open arms. The Agency had 90 employees and from day one, I had two supervisors fighting over me to work for their divisions. In the end, I worked for both. One of the supervisors built me up so much in his division that they thought I could walk on water. When I spoke everyone stopped and listened. It was unbelievable, not to mention scary.  Within two months of being there, I became lead time keeper of 90 employees. I corrected their system and meet deadlines like they had never seen before.

The people I was working with in this agency were Engineers, Geologists and Hydrologists. They were very intelligent people with a lot of respect that I had never encountered in any other position I’ve had before. It was refreshing and I began learning from them. That’s when the scary part came into play. These people thought I could do anything.

To this day, I have no idea why I left.  After giving my notice, people came to me who I didn’t even know face to face and told me they were going to miss me. A few people who I thought didn’t really care, seemed to have the saddest look on their faces and those who I had become close with took it far worse than I thought they would. At that point, I should have changed my mind and stayed.

I took a job that was offered to me without an interview due to the upcoming hiring freeze back in January.  They hired me rather quickly and without having to sign any form of paperwork. The amount of salary that was quoted to me was one of the reasons why I took the position. However, once I started with them, that was not the case.

Thursday, I had an interview back at my old place of employment.  I am hoping I am selected for one of the positions but I can’t help but wonder if this is right thing to do.  Have you ever found yourself in a position like this?

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Being a Father and a Mother

being father and motherIt is hard to be both a Father and a Mother. Sometimes you get confused as to which role you play at any given time. It takes you back to when you were a child and how your father was there for you when your mother was not. You try hard to think of the times when you needed your father and how he handled things. He is the only role model you can go by when raising a daughter alone.

First off, I had toughened my daughter up ever since she was a baby. She began walking when she was 9 months old and every time she would fall and then cry, I would tell her it was unacceptable. Yes, she learned not to cry early on. A mistake I may have made that has prevented her from complaining to me when she is sick.

As she grew older and after we moved back to the states, I taught her how to fish and how to shoot gun. I took her camping and introduced her to the outdoors. Too bad, that didn’t take. She is too much like her father in that way. She is an indoor girl.  A computer geek. After all, she has been behind a computer since she was 3 years old and she is now 13.

As far as the mother role, I decided to raise my daughter the total opposite of how my mother raised me. I have learned that being a mother is constant. Although after your child is a certain age, you have somewhat of a break. I have found it easier than I thought. I have raised her just as I wanted her to be. A quiet, respectful individual who has much love for the world around her and I am hoping that continues.

I guess my biggest challenge will be when she starts noticing boys and begins to rebel against me. I can tell you that I am looking forward and welcoming that challenge. I am older than the typical mother of a 13 year old and have much more experience. I look forward to day when I get to see these kids try to outsmart me. It will be a game and one I plan to win.

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He was one hell of a Father

My father was not a perfect man but he was one hell of a father. I remember when I was little, I would go sit on my father’s lap after getting out of the shower. I would say, “you’re so worm” and he would reply, “and you’re a snake.” It was a nightly routine and one I always looked forward to.


He taught me everything the hard way. I remember when he bought me my first real bike at the age of seven and as soon as we got home, he took off the training wheels. He taught me how to ride my bike on the road in the dark that night and each time I fell, I had to get back on and continue. As a result, I learned how to ride a bike in one night.


When he taught me how to drive a car for the very first time, he didn’t take me on back roads. He took me on the freeway and he laughed the entire time watching how nervous I was and to top it off, it was a standard. As a result, I learned how to drive a car in one day.

It has been 25 years since I last spoke to him and I will always be grateful for the way he raised me and the time we spent together. I hope he is doing well where ever he is and remembers the time we spent together.

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Passport rejected


DD’s passport was rejected this morning by the U.S. Passport Agency. The reason:

Her dad forgot to put in her date of birth one the form and left that field blank.

What are the odds that the form went through five pairs of eyes and not one of us caught it until it got to the passport agency? I feel this was not meant to be. I am a firm believer in that. When something like this happens, I step back and don’t move forward with the original plan. I was surprised to hear my daughter basically said the same thing. She has now changed her mind for good and will wait until next summer to go to Greece.

When I emailed her dad to inform him that the passport was rejected and why, he got so upset. I would have respected him more if he would have just called me a liar. It wasn’t until later this afternoon when he pulled out his copy and realized I was telling the truth. It was at that time when he emailed to tell me when he’s wrong, he’s wrong.

He told me he has an another appointment he set up at the American Embassy to get the paperwork notarized again and will send it to me. However,  I did not tell him that she won’t be going. He will find out soon enough.

What is even more strange about this entire situation is that my daughter’s cousin texted her and asked her if she wanted to go to California for a visit. She said her mother will buy the airline ticket if she would like to go. Keep in mind her cousin did not even know she was planning a trip to Greece, much less know that her passport was rejected. My daughter has only been in communication with her cousin for only three weeks in the last three years.

So of course, my daughter jumped at the chance to go. I called my cousin and sure enough she has already been looking for airline tickets.

This entire situation seems so strange to me. I don’t know what to make out of it. What do you think?

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The empty can rattles the most


He can just go on and on and on. What is that saying?  “The empty can rattles the most.” Well that’s exactly what he sounds like. It’s almost deafening to the ears. It gets me so exhausted when I hear him talk or read a lengthy email like the one he just sent me.

His email was about three word pages long. He started from the beginning of how he had to obtain the paperwork, and all the road blocks in order to get all the stamps needed for the paperwork (even though it wasn’t the paperwork needed to obtain the passport). He went on about his traveling back and forth a few times.  Approximately 600 miles round trip and the costs for gas and lodging. He went on and on. Hell, he even sent a copy to our daughter.

In the email, he also states, “Should she decide to come, I will be more than happy to assist her in every shape and form to meet with her aunt, cover all the costs associated with her stay in Greece and since she seems to be mad at me for the bureaucratic delays, I would keep out of her way during her stay in Greece.”

That sounds like an easy way out from him spending any time with her.  He should have just spoken with her to see how she feels instead of saying that though an email. All that did was make her even more upset.

I never replied to his email because there was just no sense in doing so. It is as though he wants some type of debate and I no longer have the strength or energy. Luckily for me, I never have to communicate with him when it comes to our daughter. That is, until now.

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He finally listened


We finally received the document that I had been asking him for over the last three months now. If he would have just listened in the first place, he could have made our daughter’s life so much easier.

We applied for her passport earlier this week. I had all the documentation needed. He had sent the form granting permission and had it notarized. I turned in the Jurat as a “just in case” measure.  I paid for expedited service where they will be receiving the paperwork within 24 hours and the passport is guaranteed to be here within 10 to 12 days.

When DD texted her father to let him know that we applied for her passport, she mention to him the divorce papers were not even needed. His reply, “Well the people at the American Embassy said the divorce papers were needed in order for you to apply for a passport and I believe them over the people that you and your mother talked to.”

Me and DD spoke with the people at the passport office. I think they would know more about what paperwork is needed rather than those who work at the American Embassy. The American Embassy is not a passport office and they do not issue passports.

Then my daughter went on to tell her father that if he didn’t run around for weeks trying to get all the stamps needed on the divorce paperwork which was not needed, she would have already been there spending her summer. She is very upset and what even upsets her more is that he has been texting her good morning and good night for the last three days. She asked why he was doing that when he hasn’t done that all these years. I told her he is excited because he thinks she is going to Greece and he wants to keep the communication going. She then asked. “How do I reply to that?” I told her to reply good morning and good night when he sends a text.

What do you do as a mother when you see your daughter confused over something as small as receiving texts from her father? The memory of him being absent all these years has caused her anger and frustration. I can’t really say I blame her, even though I have no idea what that is like. At this point, I’m not even sure if she still wants to go. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

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I remember those Streets of Bakersfield all too well

Buck Owens knew exactly what he was talking about when he mentioned the judging that goes on in Bakersfield, and relatives are no exception to that rule. I sure wish I would have  prepared myself better before spending the summer there in 2013.

All I was looking for were better opportunities in a huge city like Bakersfield.  I thought this would be the place to give myself a fair chance, a possible better life for both me and my daughter…but I was very wrong.

When my mother passed four years ago, my mother’s sister wanted me to go and live with her to give Bakersfield a try.  I never really knew my aunt, but she seemed very sincere when she gave me the option. She knew that there was nothing more left for me where I was at and she also knew that I would be hitting the road at some point. I have always been known for not staying in one place too long.

I thought about her offer for a while but wasn’t sure where I wanted to go. I had taken my mother’s death so badly that I just needed to get out of the area and away from all the memories. So I sent my daughter to Greece, sold everything we had and gave up our apartment. Talk about extreme, this was intense. I had always done things like this in my life, but never with a child.

After putting my daughter on a plane in San Francisco, I headed to my aunts house in Bakersfield and had no idea how things would go. Needless to say, from the day I walked in the door and met my cousins whom I had never met before, there was judgement.  It didn’t matter that I had just lost my mother or that I was there to start a new life, all they saw was an outsider.

I then began to get to know my cousins and found out where they all worked. I knew I needed a job and I was desperate to do just about anything.  A couple of my cousins owned their own businesses but they claimed they were not hiring. Even my cousin’s wife who owned her own hair salon and who was hiring at the time, wouldn’t even hire me to sweep the hair off the floor. She claimed even though she was hiring, there was a person she was waiting to interview and in the end, she ended up hiring the other person.

Once a week they had family dinners and all took turns. I made it a point to attend every week.  I socialized with them so that they could get to know me, but it was all in vein. The look on their faces told me that they were just allowing me to be there and couldn’t wait for the time for me to leave. I realized it was a lost cause. They never wanted me around and would never accept me for who I was. I gave up and left Bakersfield two months later.  I realized I was an outsider going in and remained an outsider even when leaving.

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